"Daddy issues" are a societal issue.

Why women's main mission should be that of finding good fathers for their kids.

Today, March 19th is St. Joseph's Day, in many countries, people celebrate Father’s Day. It is a painful occurrence for me every year. Even though, for a few years now, I have managed to write him a few words of gratitude and encouragement. And today I called him. This day always reminds me how faulty and inadequate my father has been. He was a father because all it took to be one was existing but he never managed to become a dad. Today, for me being an adult, means not being angry with him because he did not love me as I needed to be loved. Today, it means being sad for him, for missing the greatest opportunity a man has to become a man. Anger has turned into compassion. The transition, trust me, took me a lot of pain and the strength to forgive. I accept it will be a wound that never completely heals. 

One of the many reasons why I am not a big supporter of the modern wave of feminism is their views on fatherhood. All efforts put into saying that women can do it all alone and that a father is a luxury and not a necessity are to me absolutely detrimental. Not only it is a disservice to society as a whole but to women themselves first. I am strongly convinced that yes, women can do it alone. I had the proof of that. My mother was an amazing father. Still, she could never be the father I needed. I have the feeling this kind of feminist wants to make our life more difficult instead of making it easier. They are egomaniacs. I recall trying to find videos of how to shave your beard to teach my pre-teen brother. It is a memory that still makes my heart shrink. 

I equally cannot stand the idiots that use “daddy issues” as a derogatory or funny term. It is a deadly serious problem for our society as a whole and a circle that needs to be broken. Fatherhood absence is a huge issue for many communities, most of them marginalized. In the USA, it is registered especially in the Black and Hispanic communities. Unfortunately, I have no data to back up my perception but I suspect one of the main issues in my country of origin is precisely this: men that think of fatherhood merely as bringing money back home, at best. No emotional support nor quality time spent with kids. Fatherhood is seen as a transaction: I bring money home, but you let me live in peace. 

It is a deadly serious problem also at an individual level. I have seen many of my friends with daddy issues going through a lot of painful experiences, but not recognizing that daddy issues were the root cause of them. I’ve seen women being constantly worried, possessive, and suspicious about the integrity of their relationships. A need for constant reassurance that kills any kind of love. I’ve seen them seeking a partner who can deliver on what they have missed as a child. And obsessively compare themselves to previous women in the lives of their partners. I have seen many of them use sex as a way to build self-esteem or to feel accomplished with little to no emotional connection with the person they had it with. The description of emotional hell. And what kind of society can result from the perpetuation of such bonds?

When connecting the dots of my experience I had to open my eyes to the evidence that the only friend that ever betrayed me was a friend I had chosen more because I liked her father than her. I unconsciously wished he was my father. I remember vividly how much confidence she would exude despite being, now I realize, and excuse me the lack of modesty, average in comparison to me in every sense. She was brought up being told by her father that she was so beautiful and that any stupid thought she had was worthy of attention. I was unseen for the most part of my existence and no matter what I did to impress my father, I never hit the point. She and I have had very different ways of dealing with relationships, hers were informed by self-love and mine by self-doubt. We differed in the way we had been seen by our fathers. She was looked upon as someone precious. I was looked upon with harsh judgement. As a woman, you apply that first male look at yourself forever, if you don’t face it. 

Women, for their own benefit, should have as a first mission that of choosing a man to be by their side that has the potential of being a good father. Even if they never get to be parents. A mother is protective and is a refugee from all the pains of the world, but it is a father who encourages children to risks. Perhaps it is because a mother carries you for 9 months in her own body. For a father, the risk is not so physical. And in a society that presents a growing number of risks and instability, being trained in risks is an invaluable asset. The most confident women I have met in my life are those who have had good fathers. I can spot that after a brief conversation, it shows in how they move, how they enter a room and how they handle rejection. 

Lastly, I believe we need to encourage men to fatherhood because our society is missing rites of passage. Events that mark a change in men. I feel we are giving them only excuses for perpetual boyhood and little to no encouragement for responsibility. Undoubtedly there are men that become fathers but never turn to be dads, but those are Peter Pan’s who refused to grow up and the Wendys out there should avoid them with all the conviction they can muster. If we want stronger women all we really need is better fathers. 

Vilma Djala

I welcome my friend Ana as my latest subscriber. I love you. And you are a rockstar for choosing a good father for your kids without such an example.